Poop-free Guide to My Favorite Ladies' Rooms

1. Tower Bar “The best place in town to meet some cool ass bitches”

Size: Insanely small, but comfy. I’ve seen probably 5 girls waiting in the outer-room to get into the stall which is even smaller.

Look: beautiful, or at least the pin-ups are. There has been many a Lady Dottie night where I would try to imitate the ladies’ poses in the mirror, but only until someone comes in to embarrass me.

Smell: The outer room just smells like girls. The stall smells like cat litter, but it ALWAYS smells the same. Even when you go #2, still cat liter. Cat dirt, on the other hand—what does that smell like?

Issues: the toilet wobbles back and forth when you sit down so don’t leave your wounded soldier on the seat or it will just be added to the various liquids always present on the floor.

Other tidbits: Careful when you walk in, because creepsters at the bar usually try to take a peek, and can, because the door stays opens for so long. Cassandra once peed in the sink, but that bitch just does whatever she wants. If it’s too full, just go into the men’s room. Mick and Danielle have never minded.

Overall: Absolutely the best females are in this bathroom. I’ve met friends, dance partners and, like I said, cool ass bitches in this bathroom. And in the bar as well 




2. Casbah “3 stalls, space-a place to check ya face”

Size: One of the biggest. I’ve never had to wait in line for more than a minute or so, even on sold out nights. 3 big stalls to do ya business in. Great place to adjust your clothing/wipe that much-deserved sweat off your face

Look: red, cool-just like the rest of the bar. There’s not much to look at other than you- in the very large wall-covering mirror.

Smell: Not too noticeably different than the rest of the joint. You can smell poop in this one cause it’s all one big room. Don’t poop at rock show, wait till the morning after.

Issues: The door furthest from the entrance is too low to be able to lock. Just kick it up a bit with your foot and simultaneously thrust the lock into place. You’ll feel like a big-bladdered ninja. There is some space between most of the doors which lets you see if there are any frenemies waiting to scoop your spot. It also lets people see your ‘gine.

Other tidbits: Bitches ain't that cool in here for some reason. Hard to strike up a convo. I think it’s because there is no waiting room and you can just hear everyone peeing and (hopefully not) pooping. Bitches tend to get all uncomfy when this happens.

Overall: Big, not smelly. Lotsa mirror space as to not have to fight for it. Usually TP and PTs.




TO BE CONTINUED…I am Le Tired

iPhone Insanity

As a former Apple employee (retail-8 months I hacked it out in that no-commission, high-expectation arena-listening to the Chili Peppers and James Blunt all day), I know what its like to deal with the hype-sters. Fuck just invented a new word. People that like hyped gadgets+ Hipsters. Nice.

Anyway, I think that Apple STILL has the market on cool-lookingness. And let's not underestimate the power of good looks. Marilyn, Ford Mustangs (1964-69), my powerbook. Turns out the value to even get a chance to buy the $500-600 ipod/phone/web browser ma jig is worth $1500. That's supposedly how much someone in line at the NYC store was asking for his spot in line. Wow.

I just really hope the touch screen lasts more than 5 days.

Check out this video of the NYC Hypsters.

Fuck Book

About 3 years ago, my lovely cousin was over for Thanksgiving dinner and asked to borrow my computer. What I thought would be a routine e-mail-checking session turned into my first lesson in social networking (whatever the fuck that is). She logged into her Myspace account and began showing be pictures of her hot friends. Are these your actually friends? Where do they live? Is it hard to make one of these sites? Will I EVER get 100 friends?

Of course those questions were easily answered after about the next 4 hours I spent ignoring the turkey and writing an “about me” that portended to make myself feel important-to my 3 actual myspace friends.

Which brings us up to today (well, you don’t need to know my personal myspace history, as all of ours share enough in common to not write about here). I love the space. It’s constantly on in one of my windows. When I get to work in to morning, I open 2 windows-work window, play window. Play is fun-Pitchforkmedia, CNN, Myspace, Boing Boing, SD Citybeat, Rotten Tomatoes, allmusic, and various other blogs.

But Facebook? Never.

I think I’ve opened that devil-forsaken, ugly, hard to understand, myspace-backstabbing site only a handful of times. Nay shall I ever again. So much to my surprise did I learn today that, according to one Danah Boyd- “Social networking” researcher linked from Boing Boing-that I, as a loyal myspacer, am one of the non-college attending, “Latino/Hispanic teens, immigrant teens, "burnouts," "alternative kids," "art fags," punks, emos, goths, gangstas, queer kids, and other kids who didn't play into the dominant high school popularity paradigm.” Hmmm.

Facebook kids, she contends, are the whitey-white bread athletes who only want to please mommy and daddy by going to a super rad college and making lotsa lotsa money. These “goodie two shoes, jocks, athletes, or other "good" kids” are relegating themselves to the, in my opinion, lamest, dorkiest, weirdest, and again, hard-to-navigate and search-websites I’ve come across.

But hey, I was an athlete in high school, and I was also an art fag. I went to shows every weekend, painted my eyes black and still got into a good college. I never truly burnt-out, just every other Saturday night. Not sure if there’s any thin other than Swedish/Irish whiteness in my blood, but I still like the punks, and queer kids.

Basically, fuck this girl. While there is something to be said about researching and noticing patterns, especially in this new web 2.0 realm, I don’t think it’s a good idea to use the type of generalities and wording she does in this paper. It’s just once again reinforcing these archetypes that keep the Latino/black/punk/whatever kids thinking that they somehow don’t “belong” in college/executive positions/government/the ruling class.

Read the article here

Having Children: Another View

Clinical research provides a growing body of scientific evidence that having a child can cause psychological harm to some women. "Women who report negative after-effects from childbirth know exactly what their problem is," observed psychologist Wanda Franz, Ph.D., in a March 1989 congressional hearing on the impact of pregnancy, labor and the never-ending care and support of a whining, selfish and spoiled child. "They report horrible nightmares of children calling them drunk from house parties, using up all of their hard-earned resources and time," Franz told the Congressional panel. "When they are reminded of the time they first got pregnant," Franz testified, "the women re-experienced it with terrible psychological pain ... They feel nervous and upset (that is might happen again) because they took on at the most natural and potentially harmful of human activities -- the role of being a mother."[106]

The emergence of young motherhood and unplanned pregnancies, even those in a well-maintained marriage, poses a new possibly more devastating psychological threat. Unlike taking the time to get to know one’s self, develop interests and devote one’s time to causes outside of their own desire to buy “cute baby clothes”, women who either choose or happen to become pregnant are not fully aware of the nagging, incessant crying and, some dare say, abuse that any given parent might experience. “I just thought I wanted a cute, cuddly little baby”, laments Sarah Rilie, mother of three children ages 2, 7 and 13. “I didn’t know my life would turn into a never-ending circus of poopie pants, temper tantrums, and expensive clothing bills-all to the soundtrack of Baby Einstein or Panic! At the Disco.”

Sarah also warns of the effect the pregnancies have had on her relationship to her once-loving husband, Jerry. “We used to be so involved in the local culture and music scene of our town. The weekend meant seeing the best local show, catching a new thriller at the Cineplex or just snuggling at home in our quite house. These days, the only culture I’m exposed to is through Oprah (if I’m lucky enough to change the channel from Dora the Explorer-she’s on at the same time).”

So traumatic is this for some women that both patients and researchers involved in these studies have recommended that women unprepared for the experience of giving up their entire social lives reconsider the pregnancy in the first place.

“I just wish I could do it all over, maybe wait about 10 years to experience the globe. I mean, I’ve never ever been out of the United States!”

Of course I'm joking (on the square), please view the original article here

To view the story that inspired my take, get your CNN on